This was a missive I wrote to a friend who lost her son six months ago. It may explain a little bit about my concept of deity.
I had a very complicated pregnancy and almost lost my son and my own life as well. He is the only person I really feel connected to. My parents tried, but their obsessiveness with perfection made me feel like I was never good enough and also I always felt like I had no right to say no. This low self esteem combined with borderline personality disorder has made it so that it is impossible for me to have a healthy romantic relationship and at this point I no longer want one.
It breaks my heart, the pain you are going through having lost a child. It is unfair. You are a good person and do not deserve this.
I'm not an atheist, I do believe that there is some sort of higher power and that the soul does survive the death of the body. But my belief in God is more like the American Indian concept of The Great Spirit rather than the church god that I also grew up with. I do believe that God/the Great Spirit knows how much you hurt and that there is a promise of reunion with our loved ones when we too pass into spirit. But missing them is so very hard. The time that higher beings sense is much different than the time we sense. Our lifetimes are but a minute to them. It's like our suffering passes in the blink of an eye in their perception. But it doesn't seem that way to us.
Sorry if I rambled a bit. I hope you are able to find some comfort soon.
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