Spiritual Crisis

I have been in a spiritual crisis for quite some time but recently it seems to have gotten worse. I don't know if it's just part and parcel of being depressed, which is made worse by being overwhelmed, but nothing seems to bring me solace any more. I can't bring myself to meditate or do manifestation work as all I can think is "what's the use of any of it?" Of course I'm having a lot of trouble writing too. So all in all, yes, I'm depressed. Living on this planet as long as I have and having been born to be down, I certainly recognize that. I just wonder if anyone else has ever gone through a dark night of the soul where they question absolutely every aspect of their lives, their beliefs, their very soul, if we even have souls.
For my own part I tend to think that the majority of atheists I have encountered are real closed-minded buzz-kills. I prefer a position of open-minded skepticism. I believe that the soul (personality) is energy and energy does not cease to exist, it just changes form. I have been in the room with people who have died and I have sensed "something" leaving, and once it is gone, the body really is just a shell. We take it off like clothes or shed it like a cocoon when we are done with it. I really haven't ceased to believe that, I just seem to have become unable to FEEL it, or anything much at all besides despair. Maybe it's just part and parcel of living in these times. I swear, I have more stuff that's broken than that works. Maybe my own heart included.

Once I dreamed love would come and sweep me up away
Now it seems life's passed me by, I'm still alone here
Here come the tears
Looks like it'll always be the same
No-one here to comfort me
Here come the tears

All alone, no-one cares
So much to give to you all out there
Take me now in your arms
Let me rest safe from harm
Oh, I want to be loved
I need to be loved
Won't somebody love me?"

An old favorite by Judas Priest

Any more I don't want romantic love--that shit just always goes sour. What I am yearning for is friends that understand and to reconnect to the higher power. I need it more desperately than I can say.

Sorry to go on and on this way. I've just felt this despair for so long.

A Deity's Perception of Human Suffering

This was a missive I wrote to a friend who lost her son six months ago. It may explain a little bit about my concept of deity.

I had a very complicated pregnancy and almost lost my son and my own life as well. He is the only person I really feel connected to. My parents tried, but their obsessiveness with perfection made me feel like I was never good enough and also I always felt like I had no right to say no. This low self esteem combined with borderline personality disorder has made it so that it is impossible for me to have a healthy romantic relationship and at this point I no longer want one.

It breaks my heart, the pain you are going through having lost a child. It is unfair. You are a good person and do not deserve this.

I'm not an atheist, I do believe that there is some sort of higher power and that the soul does survive the death of the body. But my belief in God is more like the American Indian concept of The Great Spirit rather than the church god that I also grew up with. I do believe that God/the Great Spirit knows how much you hurt and that there is a promise of reunion with our loved ones when we too pass into spirit. But missing them is so very hard. The time that higher beings sense is much different than the time we sense. Our lifetimes are but a minute to them. It's like our suffering passes in the blink of an eye in their perception. But it doesn't seem that way to us.

Sorry if I rambled a bit. I hope you are able to find some comfort soon.